Monday, October 8, 2018

Apocalypse Now? Shadow of the Tomb Raider Review




Since 2013 the rebooted Tomb Raider series has been my second favorite video game franchise (behind The Last of Us). I have gone through the first game so many times I can normally finish it in 2 to 3 sitdowns and play it once or twice a year. And with that comes the completionist in me that has to play Rise of the Tomb Raider after each time I play through the first game. Rise made some great progression over the first game including making crafting more in-depth and making the terrain much more varied and larger.

Now 5 years later we come to the end of Lara's origin trilogy, Shadow of the Tomb Raider, which heads to South America as Lara continues her fight against Trinity from gaining the power to reshape the world. In doing so she ends up starting the apocalypse so...oops. Don't worry, that is not a spoiler it happens fairly early in the game and is the catalyst for the main story. This gives a great reason for Lara and Jonah to have some real tension between them and often Jonah will say something to Lara (like "everything is not about you") and you sit there and say "tell her, Jonah". She is so blinded by her hatred for Trinity and trying to stop them that she may have inadvertently helped them begin what they have wanted from the beginning. It is a suitable backdrop for the last part of a trilogy.

Shadow takes a lot of the improvements from Rise and builds on them. While not a noticeable upgrade you are still able to gather resources for crafting arrows, special bullets, etc. The market system is more varied with multiple places to buy and sell goods. Costumes are now craftable also with you hunting down certain animals and materials to create outfits that have special buffs on them. One aspect that was a little disappointing was the skill tree system. While I like the look of it, a lot of the skills seem superfluous and are there as a reason to grind.

The hubs in Shadow are easily the largest seen in the series. Where Rise added 2 or 3 main hubs as a catchall for hunting and side missions, Shadow makes Paititi and the surrounding area feel more alive with populated towns that are filled with quest givers, rare animal hunts and the small side challenges from the first 2 games, like finding hanging frog statues around the city, for more XP.

Likewise challenge tombs have been brought up in difficulty from Rise. The first Tomb Raider had challenge tombs that were easily solvable and Rise did a great job of upping the difficulty to where you had to put actual thought into solving them. The tombs in Shadow are no joke. While they won't make you feel dumb like playing Myst for the first time they will have plenty of moments that make you ask "what the hell am I supposed to do". Shadow has made challenge tombs worthy of their namesake.



The story has a few problems that could have drug down the finale if the game wasn't as much fun to play. The main antagonist, Dominguez, is described as the heart of Trinity, but during most of the game you are dealing with family issues and a tribal conflict in Paititi. It is like they forgot the Trinity stuff until about halfway through the game. There is a mention here and there and there are Trinity troops to kill in ever more inventive ways that make Lara an almost full-on serial killer, but for it to be Lara's main focus, the actual group of Trinity is largely forgotten.

I am not saying the story is not good. Quite the opposite. I loved the tribal environments and family drama, but it seems wedged in with the finishing of the Trinity storyline. If this had been a continuation and shown how Dominguez became the main leader of Trinity it would have been perfect. The climax of the game, complete with giant set pieces that the first 2 games are known for, are writing off Trinity in dialogue as you are hopping and ziplining around. It seemed a bit anti-climatic.

Thinking on it more it makes me think they had this great idea for a story, but knew they had to get Trinity out of the way somehow and shoehorned them in the game. There is a moment in the game that seems it is setting itself up for a possible civil war within Trinity that goes nowhere and you are left wondering why that was not the avenue taken.

Some of this sounds like sour grapes, but don't let this make you think that I did not like Shadow of the Tomb Raider. I will always say yes to more Lara Croft adventures. While some of the story does not fit well, it is more than enjoyable and my favorite setting from the 3 games. Ancient South American culture has always been one of my favorite things to look into historically so Shadow scratches that itch. The controls are as good as ever and combat feel fluid. Challenge tombs live up to their name and when the plot is focused on the tribal elements Shadow of the Tomb Raider is a fitting end to Lara's origin trilogy.

8.5 Ancient Aliens Memes out of 10

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Spinal Tap: The Predator Review




Remember when action movies in the 80's would just start? Like you go to the theater or fire up a VHS tape and you get the title of the movie and we are off to the races. Back in the day when movie were between 90 and 110 minutes and moved at a good pace while giving you some ultra bloody action, bad or dirty jokes and you didn't feel like you just raced an emotional marathon?

The Predator is here to remind you.

Shane Black finally gets a chance to write and direct a movie in the franchise he got his first real acting start before becoming one of the most prolific screenplay writers in Hollywood and a pretty successful director. For the most part The Predator works as sequel, albeit still nowhere near as memorable the original.

Basic movie synopsis: a Predator has come to Earth to give humanity something of use to fight off what is coming (no spoilers) and is hunted down by an uber-Predator trying to retrieve said secret. Put simply an uber-Predator is an 11 foot tall big mother fucker that makes the other Predator look like Kevin Hart. You get a group of Army misfits which includes Boyd Holbrook (the metal-handed baddie from Logan), Keegan Michael Key, Thomas Jane (Punisher playing Army guy with Tourettes), Theon Greyjoy (hopefully not a forced eunuch in this) along with a few others, join them with Olivia Munn and the kid from Wonder, sans the face makeup, and you got yourself plenty of fodder for a Predator.



I have to give Shane Black some props for a few things in The Predator:

-Having Sterling K. Brown be a complete, unmitigated dickhead. We loved him in The People vs. O.J. Simpson and, from what I have heard, housewives across the nation thinks he is the best thing in This Is Us, so it is good to see him not giving a fuck and being a big asshole.

-Getting Gary Busey's kid Jake to be in the movie. That's right, Shasta McNasty himself plays a scientist and I like to think in my mindspace that he is the kid of Busey's character from Predator 2 that took up his obsession.

-Using a lot of of the original Predator soundtrack. Yeah Predator 2 and Predators did also, but it adds a lot to the movie as a sequel.

-Taking one line to explain that Predator 2 technically took place in the future from when it came out. Predator 2 came out in 1990 but plot wise was in 1997 Los Angeles as part of the movie tradition (i.e. Demolition Man) that the near future would be crime-ridden hellholes. They say the two Predator incidents took place in 87 and 97. So thank you for the correct continuity.

One of the complaints I have seen about the movie is that there is too much humor. To that I say fuck off. How many serious, epic sized, end of the universe 2 1/2 hour event movies do we have? Sometimes it is a good thing to go into a movie and watch some action and laugh at some inappropriate jokes. What ever happened to the popcorn movie? That is what Shane Black has crafted. Does it always work? No. There are plot holes which happens in...every movie since the beginning of time and every joke does not land, but I found myself laughing out loud at The Predator's jokes more than recent comedies. Then follow that up by some "oh shit" bloody kills and that is what I want out of a movie every now and then.

At just around 105 minutes The Predator does not overstay its welcome. It feels like Lethal Weapon with a group of mental Army vets hunting a Predator, that does not have diplomatic immunity, for the first 2/3 of the movie then moves to a forest setting for the last 1/3 making it feels more like the original. This makes sense seeing as Black wrote Lethal Weapon and the story for Lethal Weapon 2. There are bumps along the way and some of the jokes miss, but overall I had fun with The Predator. Nothing wrong with turning your senses off and watching a good action movie.

7.5 Gary Busey smiles out of 10






Friday, August 3, 2018

Mustache Ride: Mission: Impossible Fallout Review



When I walked out of Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation 3 years ago I said that Ethan Hunt had become an American James Bond. Of course that was the 5th movie of a franchise and you wondered how long they could keep up the string of success.

After seeing Mission: Impossible Fallout the answer is simple: as long as Tom Cruise wants to keep doing it.

What movie can claim that its 6th installment is the best one? Let's take a look.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service- Not as loved as it should be, but not the best Bond movie by far. Never a good thing when Kojak kills your wife.

X-Men: Apocalypse- Not even Poe Dameron can make this anything but a long bore. Olivia Munn dressed as Psylocke is the main winner of the time spent watching.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince- Nope, Goblet of Fire. Dragons. Mermaids. Harry with his pompadour mullet.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country- the most under-appreciated of the original Trek films. No Wrath of Khan even though Christopher Plummer chews scenery like tobacco.

Rocky Balboa- Sorry. Although naming a black boxer Mason Dixon goes overlooked for its creativity.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers- pre-Clueless Paul Rudd is not the movie you are looking for.

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives- A third Tommy Jarvis screaming "come on you pussay!" at Jason from a boat.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare- Killing Franklin or Bash (don't know who is who) with a Power Glove helped put the franchise in the ground.

Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith- being the best of the prequels is like the biggest participation trophy in movie history.

Planet of the Apes (2001)- While not connected to the original 5 films it is part of a franchise which means I want to say that it is a massive garbage pile and has gotten worse in 17 years.

Yeah, this was a long way of saying it, but Mission Impossible Fallout is the best in the series and is 2 1/2 hours of straight crazy action while keeping the intrigue of being involved in shady government shit to its fullest. Essentially Fallout plays as a direct sequel to Rogue Nation while using Hunt as the character connection to everyone that is there from every Mission: Impossible movie back to 1996.

Honestly the bathroom fight scene is worth the movie ticket alone, then you add in Tom Cruise trying to become our Jackie Chan by injuring himself insisting on doing his own stunts at 55 and a car chase scene that is Ronin-worthy.

Saying a 6th movie in a franchise is the best one might not come across as well as you think so I will say this. Mission: Impossible Fallout is the best film of 2018 and the top action movie since Mad Max: Fury Road.

I will do you one better. Mission: Impossible Fallout is so good that when I watch Justice League and see Henry Cavill's fucked up CGI chin I will nod my head and say "worth it".

9 Cruise Couch Jumps Out Of 10

Friday, July 27, 2018

7 Shitty Consoles Older Gamers Will Remember

1. Atari Jaguar



-Because nothing says “reclaiming past glory” like a “64-bit” console with a controller that actually makes less sense than using a computer keyboard. Alien vs. Predator was admittedly awesome, but White Men Can’t Jump…


2. Magnavox Odyssey 


-Gets obvious points for being the first home console, but loses them all for having no sound and controllers that looked like you could give ultrasounds with them.

3. Vectrex



-Because who doesn’t want their video game console to look like the TV screen in the chest of Robocop 2?

4. Philips CD-i



-Besides giving us the shittiest Zelda game ever and having a controller that looks like a double-sided dildo head, it retailed for $700...in 1991 money.

5. 3DO



-The Steam Machine of the early 90’s. Made by multiple companies and way overpriced to compete in the home market, yet still sold 2 million consoles. Goldstar made one. GOLDSTAR!

6. Virtual Boy



-Imagine a 3DS that weighed 5 pounds, sat on a stand (because taping it to your head hurt, FYI), had two d-pads and could only be played in a red color that I can only imagine being used in futuristic dystopian societies to light our crime-ridden streets. 

7. Sega Nomad



How awesome would a portable Genesis be? Pretty awesome if it didn’t have to use 6 AA batteries for five hours of play. The back of it can get as hot as a fajita skillet from a Mexican restaurant THAT THE WAITER SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU WAS HOT.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Shit Family Robinson: Resident Evil 7 Review




Quick quiz: What is the best Resident Evil game of all time. Ready? On the count of 3. 1. 2. 3. Resident Evil 6. What? I’m fucking with you. It’s Resident Evil 4. Although, I have a special place in my heart for Code Veronica: X, but maybe this is me wearing my Dreamcast feelings on my sleeve 18 years later. The reason why Resident Evil 4 was so great is the same reason that Resident Evil 7 is great. It throws away tried and true gameplay techniques used by previous iterations of the franchise, while keeping enough of the stuff that make it Resident Evil, and then dares you to not shit your pants. The best thing about Resident Evil 7 is its setting. The bayou in Louisiana has always intrinsically had a creepy factor to it, especially if you have never lived there and have watched anything like Hatchet, The Skeleton Key, or the first season of True Detective. Don’t worry, you won’t be going into the depths of Carcosa, but you may wish you had by the time you get finished exploring the Baker property. This chapter in the Resident Evil franchise has you playing as Ethan, a man who has been searching for his wife Mia for three years. He suddenly receives a message from her and tracks her down the the swamps of Louisiana and a piece of property that makes you think you will see a kid playing a banjo on a porch real soon. Before you get your pig-squealing panties in a bunch you find your way inside to find out that Mia has been living there for three years, caged up by the Baker family for some reason that she won’t tell you. Before long you meet the family at dinner and begin wondering where is grandpa and if he is going to try and hit you in the head with a hammer impotently. By now you should know, either by playing the demo, or watching videos that you escape and begin playing a cat and mouse game on the estate with the members of the Baker family and this is where the Resident Evil of old comes into play. When it was announced, rather brilliantly, by Capcom that the first-person horror game they were working on was Resident Evil 7 I, along with everyone else, wondered how the series would translate to first-person and still feel like a Resident Evil game. When your journey begins running and hiding from (Handsome) Jack Baker you see that you are searching for weapons and ammo as well as herbs and certain keys to open certain rooms. Puzzles are still there to obtain specialty weapons and find your way deeper into the house. While they are not as difficult as some RE games, they do have you thinking on the run a lot. You will be finding items like cranks and latch keys that aren’t meant to be used when you have them so you will have to figure out where they go. It’s like you are in the mansion again from RE1 except instead of the master of unlocking, you are the master of getting your hand cut off by your wife. Oh yeah...your wife is crazy and is trying to help you while trying to kill you at the same time.

Luckily you will find safe rooms that let you store your gear and save your progress. Instead of typewriters, you use tape players. So it is good to know that by Resident Evil 11 we should be using DVD players. Combining items is a staple of the series and it is used really well in RE7. Yes green herbs are here but combined with chemical fluid it makes a first aid liquid that heals you by pouring it on your hands even after having it cut almost off like in the Saw movies. I love video games. Also, using your crafting skills can net you enhanced ammo for your guns and other weapons you find like flamethrowers and grenade launchers. Why do you need big ass weapons like that? Well, besides the Baker family being nigh invulnerable due to whatever the hell they are on you will be dealing with creatures called the “molded”. These wonderful bundles of joy show up and generally make your House Hunters Serial Killer Edition way more annoying. There are varying types of molded each trying to make your hoarding of ammo worthwhile. If there was one gripe with RE7 it is that I did miss another variation of enemy. If you are not fighting one of the Bakers the only other enemy are the molded and while creepy, begin to lose their general scariness a good ways into the game. One of the best things about RE7 is not its jump scares, of which there are plenty, but its use of an overwhelming sense of dread. Sometime there is absolutely nothing in the house or surrounding areas for good spans of time, but it is the thought of something being there that makes you shoot at shadows and wonder what they hell that sound was. Seriously, the sound design is fucking fantastic. Resident Evil 7 wraps up with a satisfying ending that links to the franchise making me hope this is a hard restart for the series. After floundering for so long, I don’t want to see RE go backwards with the next installment. Keep it first-person. Keep it small and enclosed like you feel inside the Baker property. Keep it scary as shit. Stay that course and the franchise looks to be back in a big, big way. If Resident Evil 4 reinvented the wheel for the franchise, then Resident Evil 7 reinvented the whole damn car the series was driving.

9 Carcosas out of 10

Friday, June 22, 2018

Plenty Dreadful: Vampyr Review



Remember when Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate came out and some were excited because the setting of late 1800’s London is a favorite of history buffs? I do because I was one of them. Remember when the game released how boring it was on a level unheard of in Assassin’s Creed games? I am including 3 which may the be the worst Assassin’s game ever. Well take that boredom and ramp it up to 11...or turn it down to…-11? I don’t know how boredom scales work. Is it like an opposite effect? I don’t know.

Anyway, that is Vampyr. 

Dr. Jonathan Reid has returned to London after serving in World War 1 and we begin the game with him waking up in a pile of bodies and he has a thirst for blood. Yep, our doctor is a vampire if the title was not enough to let you in on the news. He takes a job at a local hospital that lets you choose to save or sacrifice everyone. Patients, doctors, random characters. All for your dining pleasure.

The environment of 1918 London is pretty spot on. While not a true open world, the map is a good size. There are areas that are safe zones where you can talk to characters to get side missions and then areas with respawning enemies which include other types of vampires and the local guard as well as vampire hunters. Also a basic leveling system for you and your weapons and looting to find parts for upgrades. Like the game itself, it is nothing special. 

Combat is serviceable. You won’t get any flashbacks of Batman Arkham games, yet it is done well enough. You will hit camera issues especially when fighting multiple enemies which happens a lot. Again, it is just there.



There are some uniques systems in Vampyr that make the game different than anything else. First off the game has no difficulty setting. The games difficulty is determined by how willing you are to fully embrace your new powers. If you choose to spare people you will not get experience to level up your character and enemies will be harder as the game progresses. On the other side of the coin you can choose to make Whitechapel and the surrounding areas your own personal buffet and get stronger and keep the game on more of an even keel. 

To make the choice mean more you get to know the citizens in each area. As you learn more about them through hints and dialogue their blood level goes up and you grow the amount of XP they will give you if, or when, you decide to sacrifice them. This really is a new and great way to make the characters and choices you make mean something. It would be even greater is it wasn’t so...extremely...uninteresting.

When you play a dialogue heavy game like Mass Effect long conversations are a welcome thing because you are wanting to learn more about the races and motivations of everyone. Vampyr tried to make the options mean this much, but actually getting through all of the dialogue is as much fun as pulling your nose hairs out one by one as someone rips wax paper off of your taint while watching Showgirls. 

I do think we need more games like Vampyr in the gaming arena. We are stuck in a "it's either an indie game or a multi-million dollar budget triple A game" area. While it didn't work here, we need more of its kind to help give the market more variety.

Vampyr is not a bad game. It is just...boring.

And this is coming from someone that really, really likes The Order: 1886.

5.5 Lugosi Lee Oldmans out of 10

Friday, June 8, 2018

2018 E3 Predictions



-Nintendo will announce a Labo that you build to make into a set of goggles for your Switch and when you activate it the screen turns red. You realize they were playing the long game to bring back the Virtual Boy.



-We get a gameplay demo of The Last of Us 2. It won’t involve Ellie and will make people be assholes when they should just shut the fuck up because Ellie is going to be the main focus of the game. Also we get a release month that will be delayed. I will say March delayed to May.

-Gears of War 5 will be shown. It will be a Fallout 4 announcement with the game releasing sooner than everyone thinks. I will say late September. Batista will come out and Batista Bomb Phil Spencer and announce the Gears of War movie.



-Sony’s one more thing at the end of their show will be a trailer announcing that Syphon Filter is coming. To remind everyone about the game Shuhei Yoshida will tase a random person in the audience.

-Halo 6 trailer will be shown with a 2019 release. Halo: MCC will be put in Xbox Game Pass and will still have problems despite patches.

-Ubisoft will show off The Division 2. It will look amazing and not look near as good when it releases. 

-Rocksteady will not show off their game that is totally not Superman even though it is Superman. 



-Bethesda will finally show off Starfield. It is actually a large open world game based on the comic Saga. I will dance naked in the streets as celebration. 

-EA will bring back Fight Night. All fighters will be in lootboxes and you must unlock them by random chance when you fight with your created character who must be upgraded by lootboxes that unlock when you find the ultimate lootbox hidden in a random lootbox. 



-Every conference will start by having a disclaimer that they know full well when Red Dead Redemption 2 releases and all game releases will be avoiding it like every movie avoids a Marvel release.

-Nintendo will finally take flak for Super Smash Bros with people asking why is it fun to beat up women and cute characters and I will only say why would you NOT want to punch Kirby in the face?

-A trailer for the Avengers game will be shown. It will be Avengers in name only and have four playable versions of Squirrel Girl. 

-A new trailer for Final Fantasy VII Remake will be shown. Release date will be the March after we send people to Mars.








Thursday, May 31, 2018

Millennial Falcon: Solo Review




We all know of the trouble Disney had during the filming of Solo. From Kathleen Kennedy firing Phil Lord and Chris Miller when filming was nearly done and hiring Ron Howard who reshot 70% of the movie, to actors stories leaking about how weird things were on set and even an acting coach being brought in for Alden Ehrenreich because he could not get the performance they wanted out of him, it seemed like Solo was on its way to disaster.

Box office may say that it has gone down that road, but as far as the movie goes, for me, it is the most fun Star Wars film since the original trilogy.

Solo starts out with our hero living on Corellia living like one of the kids in the Batman: The Animated Series episode "The Underdwellers". Forced to steal so he has shelter on a shithole planet all while making plans with his girl to get off world. When things don't go as planned and they are separated, Han joins the Imperial military all while making plans to return for her. After his militia stint ends...abruptly and meeting a Wookie named Chewbacca, he finds himself joining a small crews of thieves and he begins his path to becoming the character we know and love.

The strongest thing about Solo is its impressive cast. You have long time pros like Paul Bettany, Woody Harrelson and Thandie Newton that seem to relish the opportunity to be in a Star Wars film, as well as Alden Ehrenreich, who absolutely had me wanting to see him play Han again and Donald Glover. Donald Glover. Donald Glover. When Glover's casting was announced most fans, including me, geeked out because if we can't have Donald Glover as Spider-Man, we will damn sure take him as Lando. The best thing he does with the character is that he is not Donald Glover playing Lando, it is Donald Glover playing Billy Dee Williams playing Lando. I can't overstate how many times I would smirk when he would pronounce Han wrong. Not like Hahn, but like hand without the d. You know, like Billy Dee did in Empire and Return.



Speaking of Empire and Return, Solo peppers in so many tiny nuances and easter eggs it is a joy for Star Wars fans to find them all including one scene that proves the "Han shot first" cut of Star Wars is canon. Sorry Mr. Lucas.

Ron Howard was the absolute right choice to take over directing. Besides the fact he is one of the most accomplished directors in Hollywood history, Opie Taylor and Richie Cunningham, he knows how to show off the talents of his cast and keeps the action paced well with the humor and dealing with huge set pieces, both real and CG. I don't envy what he had to do. To come in on a limited schedule with a movie this large and not only finish it on time, but to make it as good as it is, got to respect the hell out of him for that.

Don't let Star Wars fatigue or your thoughts on The Last Jedi affect you going to see Solo. I thought The Last Jedi was a meandering mess and went into Solo with trepidation, but I am glad I did not let my thoughts on one film lead me to miss this. Because I would have missed out on the best Star Wars movie since 1983.

When it comes down to it, Star Wars is supposed to be fun. Sure you can have serious moments in your story, but remember watching them as a kid and how the characters stayed with you and you could watch them again and again for entertainment? When the credits rolled on Solo my first thought was "This was fun. This was Star Wars".

9 Hokey Religions and Ancient Weapons Out of 10

Friday, May 25, 2018

Cable Access: Deadpool 2 Review



Deadpool 2 opens up as you would expect. Wade Wilson is doing his thing being a fourth wall breaking asshole while he kills criminals in the most joyful, bloodiest possible.

Then it goes sad. Like, damn Deadpool isn't supposed to be this sad.

This is followed by an opening credits scene that is like the opening of a James Bond film as Celine Dion's theme plays and you are laughing after kind of being gut punched.

That is what is great about Deadpool 2. It is not just sophomore humor with tons of blood and people saying fuck. There is a ton of that. The movie tows the line with actual character development of the merc with a mouth. Yeah, Deadpool is a fully realized character and actually has layers to him unlike a lot of Marvel Universe heroes. Score one (maybe the only one) for Fox.

As he deals with the depression of wanting to die, but not being able to, Deadpool meets up with a teenager named Russell that has been abused and is turning down a dark path. This is the reason the movie uses to bring Cable officially into movies and it is about fucking time. Cable is one of the few beloved characters that has yet to appear on the screen and Josh Brolin makes sure he was worth the wait. One of the things Deadpool 2 gets right about Cable is not going full speed into who he is and his family connections. X-Men history is...convoluted at best. Introduce the character here and worry about the mommy/daddy issues in another movie.

Cable comes back to the past to kill Russell for future bad reasons (see no spoilers) and Deadpool feels it is on him to keep Russell alive and convince him there is another path to go down. To do so he forms his own superteam called X-Force.



Deadpool 2 is the perfect place to introduce some of these characters that would not get love anywhere else. Domino is a fan favorite that would not have her own movie, but here she is one of the best things. I want to talk more about the heroes that make up X-Force, but for funny reasons I am not. If you have seen the movie you know why and believe me their appearances are memorable. Also, don't worry, Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus return for the fun.

As I said earlier Deadpool 2 is great not just because of its humor, but because of the back and forth it plays with emotionally. This is something unexpected especially from the sequel. The first had emotion with Wade dealing with his cancer and the journey to becoming Deadpool, but you might have expected a second movie to ham it up more because "that's Deadpool". Ryan Reynolds and returning screenwriters Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick care for this character and it shows in how well the laughs and heartache are woven in the script.

So short version: lots of fucks (the words, not the action), blood, action, Cable calling people pussies, Domino deserving her own movie, Green Lantern jokes, Morena Baccarin showing why she should be Catwoman and Terry Crews.

Automatic score increase for Terry Crews.



8.5 Don't Fuck Up The New Clue Movies Out Of 10


Friday, May 4, 2018

Down in Ragnarok: God of War Review



I am just gonna cut to the chase in case you want to know if you should buy God of War if you haven't already.

God of War is fucking amazing. There is no way around it. Even if the story was not one of the best since The Last of Us, the gameplay is so fun and spot on that you could play just for the exhilarating combat and still have a good experience. Luckily the story is the best part about this masterpiece.

Yeah, I said masterpiece.

God of War (and Kratos) seemed to be a relic of the past. A game that had its time in the sun with the first 3 entries (as well as one good PSP entry) and then limped on with a prequel in Ascension that felt like more of the same. It seemed like God of War had run its course. But series director Cory Barlog decided to take Kratos somewhere he had never been before...outside the confines of Greek mythology. Not only that, but they gave Kratos a son and a deeper meaning besides just running around, screaming at everything and screwing women with button prompts.

Now the series has done something that many of its fans have done. It grew up.

The testosterone filled teenagers that began playing God of War in 2005 are now 13 years older, in their mid to late 20's, or older, possibly with families of their own and trying to navigate the overwhelming world of parenting. Now Kratos is back and instead of the chain swinging, dick laying masculinity god, he is a humbled, soft spoken father helping navigate his son through danger.

Kratos has lost his wife and he and his son, Atreus, begin the journey to scatter her ashes from the tallest peak in the realm. Don't worry, you learn more of his wife and time in between games as you make your trek. And because this is a video game things do not go as planned on the way there. Kratos spends his time cleaving creatures with his new weapon, the Leviathan axe as Atreus helps him with his trusty bow.

Essentially the game is a large escort mission. I know, I know those are some of the most dreaded words to anyone playing a video game, but much like Bioshock Infinite and The Last of Us, you do not have worry about Atreus. He can handle himself and at most he will faint until the combat is over. If anything he makes the combat more enjoyable with you being able to control where he shoots arrows adding a new depth to enemy encounters. He will even hop onto enemies and attack them with his knife giving you openings to attack. It really is the best integration of an escort character ever.

There are so many ways to upgrade Kratos and Atreus that it is almost ridiculous. Everything from attack upgrades to armor and individual weapons can be personalized. Even pommels for your axe (and other weapons wink, wink) as well as armor can be changed and each set has its own set of stats meaning you have to focus on what you want to prioritize for your character, whether it be strength and defense, or luck and rune strength.



If you are a fan of mythology throughout different cultures like I am you are treated to a game that is dripping with Norse history and tales. Just like any other mythology their characters are flawed and just plain fucked up. I want to say so much about the characters you will meet along the way, but the story is so well woven that so much is a spoiler. Just know that Kratos works just as well with Norse gods as he does with Greek ones which means not well at all.  He thought he had escaped the god killing business, but like The Godfather Part III, just when he thought he was out they pull him right back in.

I say this with no hyperbole. God of War in 4K HDR is the most beautiful game ever crafted. From how intricate characters are in cutscenes to the vibrant color of each new realm you discover. It takes a lot to make me just stop and take everything in while you are in the middle of a story this great. This is one of those games.

So if you want a summary of God of War here it is:

Visuals, music, production design, environments, controls, voice acting. Name any aspect of this game and it is the new standard for how large games should be handled. The care that was taken when crafting it is unrivaled. This is what happens when you have first party studios and let them take time to hone their craft and tell the story they want to tell.

We're not talking game of the year. We are in the game of the generation conversation.

10 Take Your Son To Work Days Out Of 10

Monday, April 30, 2018

You've Got Some Stones On You: Avengers: Infinity War Review



Well...here we are. 10 years after Iron Man kicked of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and 6 years after Thanos turned his head after the end credits of The Avengers, Infinity War has come. There is probably no movie that has more pressure on it to deliver after such a long buildup. Not even The Force Awakens. All that had to do was be better than the prequels. Does Infinity War make good on a decade of waiting and feeding the Marvel machine money?

Yes. Mostly.

As we all know Earth's Mightiest Heroes are split apart after Tony and Cap had their billion dollar domestic in Civil War. Tony gets the heads up that this giant flying purple people eater named Thanos is coming and takes time to bitch at Doctor Strange about what to do with the infinity stone around his neck. Meanwhile Cap, Bucky, Falcon and friends are trying to figure out what to do with Vision's stone in his head from the fun Tony had from playing god in Age of Ultron.

This leads to all the players splitting into team ups that make the movie feel a bit fresh even though we have seen all of these characters in a multitude of movies. Thor is galavanting around with Rocket Raccoon and Groot, Tony and Spider-Man are trying to form a plan with Doctor Strange and the rest of the Guardians and Cap and his traitor friends head to Wakanda for some shenanigans.

This is one of the best things in Infinity War. If you are going to have a shit ton of characters at least put them in pairings we have not seen before and have them play off their strengths.

At 2 1/2 hours Infinity War is the longest Marvel movie ever, and yet, still shorter than the director's cut of Batman v Superman. I will say that they use every minute of that time. There is no down time and so many things are happening at once that you will come to what you think is a denouement for a certain set of characters only to be taken to another set where you are like "oh yeah, they are doing this". There really is a lot to digest. But that is to be expected with a movie of this size and scale.

Now let's talk about Thanos.

If I had one irk with the movie it is the mad titan. Not that he is a bad character. Far from it. He is by far the best Marvel villain because he is the only one in 10 years that has had true stakes involved with him trying to complete his task.

He finally has his gold isotoner glove and is ready to rip the universe a new asshole. Or at least that is what it seems. Don't get me wrong, his plan is not exactly kosher, but after his explanation, it isn't the worst thing someone with the power to shape the universe could do. This is one issue that movies seem to want to explore. Give the villain a pseudo sad backstory to give him reason. How about he just is an evil ass? He is almost too relatable. Especially for someone that is supposed to be the ultimate bad dude (shout out to the arcade game). Sure he does horrible things and sacrifices a lot to get his power, but his endgame is not evil for evil's sake. He is more of a universal Ra's al Ghul.



Again, it is not a huge gripe and doesn't detract from the movie as a whole. Thanos is still plenty asshole enough for everyone.

I said on social media after the movie that Infinity War was 30% great, 50% good and 20% ok. After some thought I might change it to 40/40/20. There were a lot of great moments and some great superhero saves that gave me some goosebumps and the ending, even knowing that things will be fixed (mostly) with next year's Avengers film, had substantial weight and a few scenes (which I can not talk about for reasons) actually gave me a single tear effect.

When the audience is audibly asking if that was the end of the movie and people are sitting there say "no, no, no" in disbelief, then you have a movie that did its job.

Also, can I just say how great it is to have Alan Silvestri back doing the soundtrack. He nailed The Avengers soundtrack in 2012 and was not on Age of Ultron and the movie was not as good musically (or a lot of other ways). Dude knows how to craft a large scale sound still after 30+ years.

Infinity War is the biggest Marvel movie ever, but it is not the best. That is not a bad thing. Nothing wrong with being on the outskirts of great.

8.5 Burt Macklins out of 10



Thursday, April 19, 2018

Midway Arcade: Rampage Review




Rampage is a movie. A movie based on a video game. We all know how movies based on video games go (except for Mortal Kombat and the recently released Tomb Raider). So as a movie based on a video game with no plot whatsoever, except that you are 3 creatures destroying buildings and eating people, you would expect this to be a scathing review of some Hollywood cash-in and how terrible it is.

Nope.

Well, yes it is a Hollywood cash-in. Every movie is that. But Rampage is the right amount of big and dumb and fun to warrant a watch.

The Rock is a ex-military man who became a primatologist named Davis Okoye, which I am going to assume is a shout out to former NFL great Christian Okoye otherwise known as The Nigerian Nightmare. He is best friends with gorillas especially an albino named George. One night a mystery object falls from the sky and infects George and 2 other animals in different location across the country and they start going bucknuts crazy and growing in size. Turns out an evil corporation has been experimenting in space on Project: Rampage (hey, that's the name of the movie).

In terms of where you make a plot out of a game that is missing one, this isn't the worst one ever. I mean, you gotta get them animals to 50 feet tall somehow.

I do give points for casting Malin Akerman as the head of the mads, but it just makes me want to watch Watchmen again and see her in the Silk Spectre outfit. Her brother, or assistant, or whatever, because it really doesn't matter, is played by Eric Trump. At least that is what I am thinking because it is how I imagine Eric Trump acting on a daily basis. For this movie, they serve their purpose.

Speaking of Watchmen, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is there Neganing everywhere with a pimp lean and cowboy obsession as big as Texas. Actually now that we're talking about this, isn't The Comedian basically a proto-Negan? Is JDM born to play Negan or is he actually a living embodiment of the character. He has played him since 2009, except for Grey's Anatomy, and we won't get into that because I don't want to bring up ghost fucking right now.

Back to the movie. George, Lizzy and Ralph (yes, they have their names from the game) are heading for Chicago to tear it a new asshole because Silk Spectre has a radio signal pissing them off. We get a whole Terror on the Midway thing with a giant lizard wrecking tanks, a flying wolf, a white gorilla eating people, dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. Shit gets blowed up. Animals fight each other. The Rock is smoldering.

In many ways Rampage is like the first Transformers movie. I like the first Transformers movie. When it released 11 years ago (really...shit) I wanted robots blowing shit up and that's what I got. I didn't want it 4 more times in progressively worse movies. Rampage is the definition of a popcorn flick. Go for The Rock teaming up to save the world from giant animals and stay for The Rock...teaming up to save the world from giant animals.

The movie is what it says it is, or as Dennis Green would say:



7 People's Elbows out of 10






Thursday, April 5, 2018

Cheeseburger in Paradise: Far Cry 5 Review




Fun fact before the review: My uncle and aunt lived in Waco, Texas in the early 90's and my uncle knew and talked to David Koresh on many occasions. I have always had a fascination with cults and maybe this is where it spawned from. Far Cry 5 is not as political as some would want it to be. It has plenty of politics in it, don't get me wrong, but it is also not the Trump-bashing, anti-MAGA game some were expecting. This is fine. It actually has some funny things to say about both sides including one mission called "Make Hope Great Again" where you help a red state gun toter thin out the herd of cultists because he doesn't have time to redraw district lines through gerrymandering. It really is way deeper than you ever could want. (Side note: if you do not know what gerrymandering is, please look it up. It is fucking infuriating.) The reason completely bucknuts missions like that work is because it is Far Cry. We have come to expect the outlandish and even completely ridiculous from the series. And Far Cry 5 puts that in your eyeholes for the entire ride. Here are some quick things I remember of what I did in Far Cry 5: -Helped the government track down the president's pee tape. -Got bit by a skunk -Had to shoot a charging turkey 3 times before it died. That disturbed me more than a charging bear. -You may have never known you wanted to watch a bull fuck while listening to Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye, but you do. -If you fall from a satellite tower and somehow land on an enemy you will perform the world's greatest takedown. Damn, I wish I had that recorded. -You help someone kill bulls in different ways to get their balls for a Testicle Festival. I shit you not. You then proceed to get drunk at said festival and wake up on a baseball field with a pig in a party hat. This is the most American game ever. -Whenever someone calls a cultist a "peggie" I think that they are just misunderstood rednecks that like getting dildos in their ass. -Are there aliens? Cause I just got an alien orb that a dead cow shit out. -Yep, there are aliens. I now have an alien gun that explodes everyone into bloody nothingness. -The award for favorite melee animation is the running melee where you throat punch a mother fucker and here him choke as you hit him with a haymaker. The reason why some people are pissed at Far Cry 5 is that the story was not Trump-bashing. It was never supposed to be. The skewering of American politics is the background noise. Eden's Gate and its leader, Joseph Seed, are the main course. He and his family have Hope County, Montana running scared and it is up to you to save the day (as a male or female this go round). Each Seed sibling controls a different county and you will help citizens with fetch quests, blowing shit up and other random map-filling occurrences. You know...Far Cry. The Guns for Hire mechanic work mostly well especially when you get all of the animals unlocked. Really, once I had the team of Cheeseburger the Bear and Peaches the Mountain Lion, I hardly used human teammates unless I really needed them. Sometimes your human sidekicks will say something like "I'm going in quiet" then proceed to use the .50 caliber gun on the back of your truck completely ruining a stealth run of a outpost. The ending of Far Cry 5 may be dividing to some fans. I know...I know gamers bitching about something? I never would have thought. I actually had an ending in my mind while I was playing the game and selfishly would have preferred it to what happened, but I did like the way it ended, especially if you think about where the series next installment could go from there. Compared to Far Cry 4, Far Cry 5 is Far Cry 3. It makes up for the Himalayan snooze fest that was Far Cry 4. Really, that is all I wanted. Nothing will really surpass Far Cry 3. I just wanted a fun time in Montana shooting cultists and running around with my bear friend and pretending my name was BJ. If you get that...we can be friends.

8 Covfefe's out of 10





Thursday, March 15, 2018

I, Frankenstein Review (From Someone That Didn't See I, Frankenstein)



When Frankenstein rises from the dead, there is revenge on his mind.

I, Frankenstein stars Sgt. Michael Nantz from Battle: Los Angeles as the title character. He is an undead hero who is here to kick ass and say nothing about bubble gum. When a Columbian drug cartel kills his father, Frank travels to South America to avenge his loss. He gets caught up in a revolution by the citizens who want to be free of the tyrannical control of drug-raged werewolves headed by Benicio del Toro, reprising his roles from Wolf and Escobar at the same time.

The movie really picks up when he joins forces with twins Percy and Mary Shelley to infiltrate the wolves’ compound. There are plenty of nods to action classics like Lionheart, Cyborg, Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Hard Target, Universal Soldier, Timecop and Double Impact. Lots of kicks to faces and groins.

Things get complicated when Frank’s former bride is revealed to be a wolf in disguise. She sides with the cartel to help take down her ex-husband. The citizens start to question Frank’s character when a story about his past comes to light about him killing a girl trying to give him a flower. Frank is able make them believe it was all a mistake and got therapy.

The final showdown is a huge fight between Frank and the town citizens against the wolves who have taken a concentrated dose of a special drug name AbbyNormal.

Get ready for the best Frankenstein vs. drugged up wolf movie ever. You will be blown away.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

2017 Games Of The Year (Zelda Is Not It. Get Over It.)

Game of the Year

Assassin's Creed: Origins



I really thought to myself “what if Assassins Creed: Origins is my actual Game of the Year?” and that made me realize how the AC series is viewed by the gaming community. It has been so saturated with yearly releases that thinking of an AC title as GOTY year material is like saying COD deserves it or Nickelback is a good band. It is not what we are supposed to do. Yes, Ubisoft is a lot to blame for annualizing the franchise, but what are they supposed to do...not make money?

The 2 year break between AC titles turned out to be just what the series needed. The world is massive and fully realized. I am not putting it on par with The Witcher 3 or GTA V, but it is just a level below and that is a big compliment. Yes, there are endless fetch quests (it is an open world game), but side missions feel like they are more than just “here waste some time”. Bayek is the best character AC has had in a long time, second only to Edward Kenway, and I like the story of Origins better than Black Flag.

The ending is the only irksome thing about the game, but I cannot fault it after spending almost 70 hours exploring Egypt and all its hidden tombs and bandit camps.

Also..I can ride a chocobo. Come on, man. A chocobo.

Runners-Up

Horizon: Zero Dawn



This should be filed under: What happens when developers are trusted to create their own IP.

Guerrilla was basically Sony’s Killzone machine. Don’t get me wrong I like Killzone. Killzone 3 was really, really good. Still, it was all they were known for. Sony gave Guerrilla free range (and budget) and they crafted a wonderfully different tale of Aloy and the futuristic world of mechanical dinosaurs. I mean, who doesn’t think that a game about robot dinosaurs on a future Earth where society has reverted back to caveman weapons does not sound awesome?

Exactly.

Resident Evil VII


This damn game.

As someone who absolutely hated Resident Evil 5 & 6 with the fury of a thousand suns, Resident Evil 7 filled my heart with giddy feelings and a whole lot of fucking fear. It is like Capcom took the utter creepiness from the first season of True Detective and married it to my childhood fear of watching the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, seeing the Sawyer family delight in the torture of Sally, and made a game as a dare for me to play. Exploring the Baker family compound as each member hunts you is exhilarating in the best “I might piss myself” way. The oil monsters get a little tiring towards the end, yet it does not hamper the experience and brings Resident Evil back to what it is supposed to be...survival horror.

Best of the Rest

The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild



I know. I know. It’s not my GOTY and it is on a “best of the rest” list. Blah blah blah.

Super Mario Odyssey



This game is nothing but fun on an acid trip. I haven’t put the time into it that I can say it is my GOTY though. That is why it is here.

Friday the 13th



When it worked, it was a blast to play. It just didn’t work at all for like the first 2 months and even now has problems. Still, when it is working it is so damn enjoyable.

Most Disappointing Game of the Year

South Park: The Fractured But Whole



South Park: The Stick of Truth was my GOTY in 2014. I don’t know why Fractured But Whole did not connect with me like that one did. You would think with the superhero setting it would have drawn me in more, but it left me feeling like I was missing something. It is still funny, because South Park, it just didn’t come anywhere close to its predecessor.

Worst Game of the Year

Destiny 2



How many mulligans will we give Bungie? Destiny 1 got one because it was the first game in their new series and you could tell it was a big, audacious attempt at merging the MMO and the first person story driven game into one cohesive thing. Unfortunately it came out like Wilford Brimley at the end of John Carpenter’s The Thing. Part man, part dog, part slime.

Now here comes Destiny 2. Yes, it has a story that you can follow. But it is a run of the mill sci-fi story that could have been written by anyone and gives you no further attachment to the universe Bungie is trying to create. The gameplay mechanics are great, because it is a Bungie FPS, but we are needing more than this.

Then we get into the Eververse being their veiled attempt at lootboxes and  players discovering Bungie was throttling XP to make it so they would want to go to the Eververse more and once again...Destiny shit the bed.