The Mummy Review (From Someone That Didn't See The Mummy)

Universal is taking a page out of Marvel's book and starting a cinematic universe with all of their classic monsters. The Mummy is the first in the new series of flicks. Here we go.

The Mummy stars Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt, an ex-fighter pilot who lost his best friend Goose and decided to retire and become an archaeologist and follow in his family's footsteps of hunting for mummies. His great grandfather found a mummy in Egypt in the 1920's and met his wife there too. She was hot and dark haired and he once kept a caveman in his house with his idiot friend.

He dies in a plane crash, which we all know because every movie gives away big plot points in the goddamn previews and comes back to life to fight the mummy, who is a woman now, mostly to piss off people who think men are being overlooked for everything. This pleases me. A bunch of scary shit happens and things explode while the mummy chases Ethan across the globe trying to do some kind of Egyptian mind meld ritual because...Egypt. Honestly I just wanted a connection to the ending of The Fifth Element, but I was left unsatisfied with that.

In an unusual bit, Ethan tries to fool the mummy into drinking poison while trying to wow her with his bartending skills, but she sees through his ruse.

The only way Ethan can defeat the mummy is to get over his fear and jump back into a fighter jet to shoot special missiles filled with some kind of movie plot device that make the mummy disappear, until she is reawakened for the sequel.

(I just looked at the box office for the movie. Nevermind, she is dead)

Also, Russell Crowe plays Dr. Jekyll, which is the most accurate role for him ever. When he turns in Mr. Hyde he throws telephones at hotel employees until the serum wears off.