Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Let's Watch Batman Forever- 22 Years Later



Ok, first things first. I have watched Batman Forever multiple times since its release in 1995, but for the sake of title, I thought that sounded nice. In all honesty it has been over a decade since I sat down and watched Joel Schumacher’s first Batman film and I thought it would be fun to see how it held up after going so long between viewings. I was almost 15 when Batman Forever released on June 9, 1995, And like any 15 year old should think, I loved it when it came out. We were getting a new Batman in Val Kilmer! Jim Carrey was the big shit in Hollywood and he was going to be The Riddler! Nicole Kidman still had most of her original face and was hot! So let’s watch this thing and see what my cynical man brain sees as compared to the first time I watched it. -The opening lines of Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face give the false sense of hope that he will be really, really great at this. -I even knew at a young age that the security guard at the beginning was horrible as shit delivering lines. I know now Schumacher was going for a more comic tone, but when the acting on an actual Batman ‘66 episode is better than you...there is something wrong. -Jim Carrey really is quite horrible as Edward Nygma before his Riddler transformation. He is literally doing Ace Ventura as a scientist. I can see why Tommy Lee Jones may have hated him on set. That, and Tommy Lee Jones is an asshole. -The fact that Commissioner Gordon meant as much to the first 4 Batman movies as the guy who picked up dry cleaning for Schumacher has, and always will, grind my gears. -Batman Forever and Batman & Robin are always in a tugging match for worst Batmobile ever. I think watching this has cemented Val Kilmer’s as the winner. Who in the effects department thought having a giant flappy fucking fin as a good idea? I mean maybe if it was a solid piece, but watching this piece of shit drive around shows the fin just flop around from side to side like a flaccid dick. -Man, Val Kilmer’s Batman voice is solid. Like it may be the best of all the actors to play the dark knight. It is different enough from his Bruce Wayne voice to show him changing it, but not like Christian Bale’s strategy of eating gravel. -I am still confused about Batnips. I mean...anatomically correct...whatever. We know it’s his chest because he is human. They serve no purpose. Not like his chest is out of place and on his thigh and you need nipples there to say “Hey, my chest is on my thigh, it’s fucked up”. That would be literally like putting an outline of his cock on the codpiece. Yeah, it’s there, we don’t need to see it. -Boy was Chris O’Donnell wrong for Dick Grayson. It’s cool if they were going for a little older Robin, but he is made to be not legal age because he is placed in Bruce’s care after his parents die. So he is under 21. Only problem is that O’Donnell looks like he is 27 going on 41. -Watching these Batman movies again really shows how the fight scenes were lackluster. Keaton had his punching and 300 “Sparta” kicks, Kilmer had leg sweeps and Mortal Kombat roundhouse kicks, Clooney...shit I don’t remember. What I mean is Ben Affleck’s one huge fight scene with thugs at the end of BvS is in another stratosphere when compared to other Bat flicks. -I keep having to remember that this was released in 1995 before we all became super cynical assholes about everything. People bitch about cops not growing beards in The Dark Knight Rises, but have no problem with Edward Nygma building a massive villain complex on an island off the Gotham coast in the span of 6 minutes of this movie. -Val Kilmer and Nicole Kidman have no chemistry whatsoever. If I had to put a numerical value on it the number is in the negative. He really is a horrible Bruce Wayne and she is a poor womans Kim Basinger...and Basinger wasn’t even that great in Batman. -I have always thought if we could mix Val Kilmer’s Batman with George Clooney’s Bruce Wayne we would have half a damn decent character. -Alright, earlier I said Carrey was horrible as Nygma before his transformation...well he is horrible as Riddler too in some scenes. Maybe it is because I am not 14, but man...some of this is cringe worthy. I remember loving the attack on Wayne Manor, now when I watch Riddler blowing up the Batcave I am mentally putting this movie closer to Batman & Robin on the shit meter. -God I hate Chris O’Donnell’s face. His voice. The way he looks like a mouth breather when he acts surprised. Basically all of him. It makes me wish they had cast Marlon Wayans like rumors suggested might have happened before Schumacher took over. -The one thing I can say about Robin as a character that is positive is that the final suit looks damn fine. -I almost forgot that Riddler took down the Batwing with a giant 50’s style blender on top of his island. Now I wonder if someone had to talk Schumacher out of having Freeze destroy the Batmobile with a Ron Popeil chicken roaster in Batman & Robin. -One thing I love is the Two-Face death scene because it calls back to the Animated Series with Batman telling Harvey he hasn’t flipped his coin yet, and then throwing a bunch of coins in the air. -Then there goes Chris O’Donnell’s stupid meat face with that open mouth, helmet-wearing stare when Two-Face dies. Thanks for ruining the one good thing about this shit showdown at the end. -Batman Forever is the first Bat film to show Arkham Asylum and show that hey, maybe we don’t have to kill all the villains in superhero movies. Woo boy, that was rougher than I remember. There is still some good there. Believe it or not I kind of like the color palette Schumacher brought to the film. Now I know that it is kind of saying that I should also like the color palette of Batman & Robin...so be it. All in all it is not nearly as good as I remember, but really when you are talking about films you watched when you were younger, what is? Except for: Batman, Batman Returns, Superman, Superman 2, Robocop, Aliens, The Terminator, The Goonies, Conan….ok, so Batman Forever doesn’t hold up that well. It’s not a BAD movie. Not good either.



Wednesday, August 9, 2017

A Few Thoughts On The Dark Tower



-The Dark Tower is in no way a BAD movie. I have seen bad movies and this was not one of them. If you asked me to watch The Dark Tower 10 times in a row or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen once I would watch The Dark Tower 15 times in a row just for good measure.

-It did need to be longer. There are scenes early on that need to be extended. I am not saying we need an overstuffed 2.5 hour movie (looking at you Captain America: Civil War) but even making it 110 minutes would have given some much needed extension and still keep it under 2 hours.

-I love Idris Elba in almost everything he does (except Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, that movie can go fuck itself) and obviously McConaughey is McConaughey. I wish this movie had a little more substance for them to latch onto. You have 2 of the greatest actors today...let them loose! McConaughey looks like he is having fun chewing scenery as The Man in Black, I want more of it.


-If you are a lifelong fan and reader of The Dark Tower books, then whatever you think about it I can not and will not argue about it. If you have never read them or have a passing knowledge of the overall story it is pretty good.


-I understand hitting a PG-13 for the fact of allowing a bigger audience, but The Dark Tower should have been a hard R movie.

-We are in a society of absolutes. Just look at our political system. We are falling into the thinking that movies have to be the greatest thing ever or the biggest piece of shit ever made. It is becoming unheard of for a movie to just be ok or even pretty good. The Dark Tower is pretty good. Like I said I have seen BAD movies. This is not one of them.