Showing posts from 2017

Some Quick Thoughts On Blade Runner 2049

-I did not want a sequel to Blade Runner. Ever. It is a singular story told masterfully that holds up 35 years later.

I said that first so this will resonate more: Blade Runner 2049 may be the best science fiction film of the last 20-25 years.

-It feels like a natural continuation of a story that most fans wanted left alone. I consider Blade Runner’s open-ended finish one of the best in movie history. It leaves itself open to fans interpretation about what happens next. Luckily, 2049’s story feels like the most compelling extension of the original anyone could have possibly come up with. The entire movie works as a contradiction; it is fan service while staying true to itself in how much it is trying to be its own story and not fan service.

-Blade Runner 2049 opens up the world to so many possibilities. If the original was the most wonderful appetizer you have ever eaten, 2049 is a five star meal that comes after when you were thinking there was nothing better.

-To discuss the plot of 2…

Let's Watch Batman Forever- 22 Years Later

Ok, first things first. I have watched Batman Forever multiple times since its release in 1995, but for the sake of title, I thought that sounded nice. In all honesty it has been over a decade since I sat down and watched Joel Schumacher’s first Batman film and I thought it would be fun to see how it held up after going so long between viewings. I was almost 15 when Batman Forever released on June 9, 1995, And like any 15 year old should think, I loved it when it came out. We were getting a new Batman in Val Kilmer! Jim Carrey was the big shit in Hollywood and he was going to be The Riddler! Nicole Kidman still had most of her original face and was hot! So let’s watch this thing and see what my cynical man brain sees as compared to the first time I watched it. -The opening lines of Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face give the false sense of hope that he will be really, really great at this. -I even knew at a young age that the security guard at the beginning was horrible as shit delive…

A Few Thoughts On The Dark Tower

-The Dark Tower is in no way a BAD movie. I have seen bad movies and this was not one of them. If you asked me to watch The Dark Tower 10 times in a row or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen once I would watch The Dark Tower 15 times in a row just for good measure.
-It did need to be longer. There are scenes early on that need to be extended. I am not saying we need an overstuffed 2.5 hour movie (looking at you Captain America: Civil War) but even making it 110 minutes would have given some much needed extension and still keep it under 2 hours.
-I love Idris Elba in almost everything he does (except Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, that movie can go fuck itself) and obviously McConaughey is McConaughey. I wish this movie had a little more substance for them to latch onto. You have 2 of the greatest actors today...let them loose! McConaughey looks like he is having fun chewing scenery as The Man in Black, I want more of it.

-If you are a lifelong fan and reader of The Dark Tower books, …

War for the Planet of the Apes Short Review

The new trilogy of Planet of the Apes movies are not exactly happy tales. Beginning with Rise in 2011 showing us how Caesar was created and the beginning of the simian flu which slowly begins to kill off humans. Plus, it is just rough to watch John Lithgow's character lose his faculties if you have ever had a relative go through he same thing. Then to Dawn in 2014 where Matt Reeves took over as director from Rupert Wyatt and began to flesh out the life and mythos of Caesar as the leader of the apes while trying to garner peace with humans and betrayal by Koba, leading to an army descending upon them to wipe them out.

Now with War for the Planet of the Apes we have moved a few years past with Caesar doing his best to keep his apes together and stay hidden from an army of humans that see their species in its last gasps of existence. It is bleak on both fronts with few good moments, but such is the apocalypse. It shouldn't be fun. It shouldn't be cheery. It should be despera…

Jupiter Ascending Review (From Someone That Didn't See Jupiter Ascending)

When Earth is threatened with total destruction only Jackie from That 70’s Show can save us.
Jupiter Ascending is from The Wachowskis, who you can only assume have the ability of mind control for convincing Warner to give them $175 million dollars on the idea of Channing Tatum as a space elf and Mila Kunis as queen of the universe.

Jupiter is a waitress in a diner when Boromir comes along and tells her she is queen of the universe. Sean Bean dies after one sentence because it is in his contract to die in everything and why waste the time developing his character? She thinks he is a psycho until Magic Mike XXELF shows up with a laser gun and huge package then she believes everything must be true.

The baddie, played by Eddie Redmayne, who took a break from acting like a cyborg genius, wants to kill Jupiter and the easiest way to do this is to destroy Earth. He has a secondary motive also. He has plans for a galactic superhighway and Earth is in the way. Don’t think about space as a three…

The Definitive (Not Definitive Because, Opinions) Star Trek Movie Rankings

13- Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

Want to know the sad part about Star Trek V? It is that it starts out giving you hope that this will be a good Trek movie. The opening themes is one of the best pieces of Star Trek music Jerry Goldsmith has done and that is saying something. We have the pleasant and refreshing Kirk, Spock and Bones camping trip and all goes off the rails. Spock’s half-brother (plot device) is now a religious zealot searching for Sha Ka Ree, the Vulcan equivalent of Heaven where God is telling him to come pick him up in a pimp starship to take him on a trip to space White Castle or some shit. Really by the time we get to the finish it is a marathon of Kirk and Spock bitching at each other, Uhura dancing naked in the desert with big ass feathers, and Kirk asking the question we all asked ourselves in a moment of fourth wall breaking--”what does God need with a starship?”.
12- Star Trek: Insurrection

Otherwise known as How Picard Got His Groove Back. Basically w…

The Mummy Review (From Someone That Didn't See The Mummy)

Universal is taking a page out of Marvel's book and starting a cinematic universe with all of their classic monsters. The Mummy is the first in the new series of flicks. Here we go.

The Mummy stars Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt, an ex-fighter pilot who lost his best friend Goose and decided to retire and become an archaeologist and follow in his family's footsteps of hunting for mummies. His great grandfather found a mummy in Egypt in the 1920's and met his wife there too. She was hot and dark haired and he once kept a caveman in his house with his idiot friend.

He dies in a plane crash, which we all know because every movie gives away big plot points in the goddamn previews and comes back to life to fight the mummy, who is a woman now, mostly to piss off people who think men are being overlooked for everything. This pleases me. A bunch of scary shit happens and things explode while the mummy chases Ethan across the globe trying to do some kind of Egyptian mind meld ritual bec…

Wonder Woman Short Review

Wonder Woman is a movie about a woman who is wonderful. No really. She is. Gal Gadot is wonderful. The character in the movie is wonderful. Chris Pine is wonderful. Lets see how many times I can say wonder and wonderful in this. I am not getting paid by using that word, but if anyone wants to make an offer, now is the time.

Wonder Woman is fun, genuine and hopeful.  Gal Gadot lets the character show her naivety without her seeming dumb. She eats ice cream and tells the vendor he should be proud. She bucks society when deciding what to wear after leaving Themyscira by not wearing a fluffy dress and going for a pantsuit, then walks out of the store with her sword and shield in hand. There is a yin and yang. Diana is strong and willful, yet clueless with wide-eyed childlike wonder (pun intended). It is a balancing act that Gadot masters. I hope people will watch the movie and catch this because it adds so much weight to the character, especially against the hellish, dark backdrop of Wor…

Did Microsoft Sell Me On The Xbox One X?

Sony's own reveal of the PS4 Pro did them no favors. It was clunky and a load of mush-mouth talk that didn't offer us any reasons to spend 400 dollars on a new console when most have only had their existing PS4's for 3 years. Especially if you did not have a 4K TV, it was doubly useless.

I bought one anyway.

Why? Well, I have a 4K TV, love video games, love being in debt and have the mentality (as do a lot of tech people) that I want the new stuff. Because it's...well, new. And I have enjoyed my PS4 Pro. It looks beautiful, especially with games like Uncharted 4 and Horizon: Zero Dawn.

Seriously, Horizon will melt your eyes in 4K.

So why was I not convinced by Microsoft to buy and Xbox One X during their conference at E3 this year? You would think I would since I am the target audience. A fat guy who plays a lot of games, wants the newest stuff and is willing to throw money into a giant industry that regularly treats its fans like cattle and makes them feel underappreci…