Thursday, April 19, 2018

Midway Arcade: Rampage Review




Rampage is a movie. A movie based on a video game. We all know how movies based on video games go (except for Mortal Kombat and the recently released Tomb Raider). So as a movie based on a video game with no plot whatsoever, except that you are 3 creatures destroying buildings and eating people, you would expect this to be a scathing review of some Hollywood cash-in and how terrible it is.

Nope.

Well, yes it is a Hollywood cash-in. Every movie is that. But Rampage is the right amount of big and dumb and fun to warrant a watch.

The Rock is a ex-military man who became a primatologist named Davis Okoye, which I am going to assume is a shout out to former NFL great Christian Okoye otherwise known as The Nigerian Nightmare. He is best friends with gorillas especially an albino named George. One night a mystery object falls from the sky and infects George and 2 other animals in different location across the country and they start going bucknuts crazy and growing in size. Turns out an evil corporation has been experimenting in space on Project: Rampage (hey, that's the name of the movie).

In terms of where you make a plot out of a game that is missing one, this isn't the worst one ever. I mean, you gotta get them animals to 50 feet tall somehow.

I do give points for casting Malin Akerman as the head of the mads, but it just makes me want to watch Watchmen again and see her in the Silk Spectre outfit. Her brother, or assistant, or whatever, because it really doesn't matter, is played by Eric Trump. At least that is what I am thinking because it is how I imagine Eric Trump acting on a daily basis. For this movie, they serve their purpose.

Speaking of Watchmen, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is there Neganing everywhere with a pimp lean and cowboy obsession as big as Texas. Actually now that we're talking about this, isn't The Comedian basically a proto-Negan? Is JDM born to play Negan or is he actually a living embodiment of the character. He has played him since 2009, except for Grey's Anatomy, and we won't get into that because I don't want to bring up ghost fucking right now.

Back to the movie. George, Lizzy and Ralph (yes, they have their names from the game) are heading for Chicago to tear it a new asshole because Silk Spectre has a radio signal pissing them off. We get a whole Terror on the Midway thing with a giant lizard wrecking tanks, a flying wolf, a white gorilla eating people, dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. Shit gets blowed up. Animals fight each other. The Rock is smoldering.

In many ways Rampage is like the first Transformers movie. I like the first Transformers movie. When it released 11 years ago (really...shit) I wanted robots blowing shit up and that's what I got. I didn't want it 4 more times in progressively worse movies. Rampage is the definition of a popcorn flick. Go for The Rock teaming up to save the world from giant animals and stay for The Rock...teaming up to save the world from giant animals.

The movie is what it says it is, or as Dennis Green would say:



7 People's Elbows out of 10






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